resolution pollution

It’s resolution time again! Time to look back on all the mistakes and regrets of the passing year. Time to look forward with unrealistic expectations for how everything is somehow going to be completely different this time.

When I look back on 2015, my honest thought is: well done, me. I did a lot of good, hard work this year. My honest thought when I look forward to 2016 is simply this: I am onto something good. Don’t stop.

I haven’t shared any of my writing for a few months. Like most of what I do in life, I didn’t worry about why – I didn’t put much thought into it at all – I just stopped because I felt like it. Only much later did I think about my decision. It had become time for me to dig deeper, somewhere uncomfortable and frightening; and to do that, I needed a break from sharing myself.

When I left off, I was purposefully going on dates by myself (in public) for the purpose of getting to know/falling in love with myself (as you would with another person). It was going well. Actually, the last date I’d written about went poorly but still did its job. I went on a couple more solo dates I never bothered to write about before stopping altogether. They weren’t bad; they just didn’t feel meaningful anymore. I had outgrown my simple plan.

This is the part of my story where I would normally begin to roll my eyes at myself, but my eyes are steady. This is all very real for me. It would have to be or I would never do it.

It irritated the shit out of me – how, without thought or intention, the quest to know and love myself unexpectedly yet naturally evolved into the necessity to seek God. My eyes remain steady.

I am searching and I am battling and the struggle is constant. But somewhere within all the noise and horseshit, I am finding glimpses of hope and love, and I am holding onto this truth with everything I have. Even if that means tattooing “God is love” on my forearm. I definitely tattooed “God is love” on my forearm last week.

And so I head into the New Year without a typical unrealistic resolution. Instead, two very powerful words urge me forward: Keep Going. Just thought I’d share. 🙂




As a child, allowance was the small amount of money that my parents gave me every week that provided a sense of independence as a reward for being good. This typically ends when you turn 15 or something? It ended prematurely for me because I was just the worst.

I have recently decided that I have gone far too long without an allowance. No, I’m not going to start demanding $5/week from my parents again… although… imagine the back pay!

Allowance, I have decided, is my resolution and my theme for 2015. It only took me all of January and half of February to figure this out. Here’s the gist: I have resolved to allow myself to feel whatever the fuck I am feeling, and to do whatever the fuck I feel like doing in regards to that feeling.

Perhaps I am feeling lazy today. Well, that’s allowed. In response to my lazy feeling, I feel like sitting around and watching Netflix. Well, that’s allowed too. Oh, I feel sad today. Well, that’s allowed. I feel like crying and I’m not sure why. Well, that’s allowed too. Woo! I feel hyper today. Well, that’s allowed. I feel like wearing my hair on top of my head and dancing around. Well, that’s allowed too. And so on.

An interesting thing happened when I started giving myself an allowance. Guilt vanished. By paying direct attention to my feelings and putting my needs at the forefront of my priorities, I am dealing with and moving past negative feelings very quickly, I am not stuck dwelling in things, and I am experiencing unadulterated joy as a result.

Sidebar: isn’t it interesting that the word adulterated, which means tainted or impure, has the word adult in it. Haha, get it? Because we’re a bunch of assholes!

Moving on, here are some examples that I put in a fun table for convenient comparison. Because I fucking felt like it!

Before allowance

With allowance

Laying around the house being lazy and unproductive made me feel so guilty and terrible that I would become exhausted. Ultimately this kept me laying around the house accomplishing nothing. Actively deciding to skip a shower, stay in cozy pajamas, and aggressively indulge in Netflix is a joy that everyone needs to experience. After a few hours, I feel satisfied and suddenly have the urge to get up and do something. Unproductive? I suppose that depends whether you think joy is an accomplishment.
Oddly enough, by holding in my tears as an attempt to keep everything nice and peaceful, I would often stay in my state of sadness for days or even weeks, completely immune to anything good that may have been happening around me. Crying loudly with gusto (and sometimes even in front of people) means that I am letting out all my sad feelings as soon as I feel them; and after a while, I don’t feel like crying anymore. Actually I end up feeling pretty amazing afterwards.
I can’t just dance around or sing along to this sick beat just because I feel hyper! What would people think? Sure I am uncomfortably holding in all my energy, but at least I am not making all of these strangers around me uncomfortable. Fuck these people! I wanna dance! What’s funny is that more often than not, openly expressing good feelings by singing or dancing without shame has a very positive affect. Sometimes people smile, sometimes they join in, sometimes I start a party, and sometimes I make friends. Other times people laugh at me; but hey, everyone loves to laugh! You’re welcome! Joy is contagious.

You may have noticed that I am cursing a lot more today than I usually do in blog form. Well, the truth is that cursing is really fucking fun. There is a time and place and all that, but today I just felt like cursing. So fuck you, I’m allowed! Have a lovely day, friends 🙂